I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

I took an unexpected trip to Maryland a little over a week ago to attend my great-grandmother's funeral. Then yesterday I found out that a close friend of mine that had been stuggling with injuries from a car accident lost her battle. I was sad, yes, but even more so I was filled with regret. I wish I had had one more conversation with my Nana. I wish I had had one more laughter-filled car ride with Amanda.

But all this made me realize something. I don't want to look back on my relationships with people and have regrets or wishes. It's painfully obvious to me now that life is far too short to not cherish every little opportunity you have, and not only to cherish, but to give thanks where thanks is deserved. I pray now that God blesses me with an awareness of those small moments, and to remind me that they're from Him and Him alone.




Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise

A fresh start.

So, I realized tonight that I still had this blog. I think I may make a new attempt at writing things every so often. Tonight just seems like the perfect night to do it.

I finished my first year of college today. People have asked me constantly,

"Are you glad to be done?"

"Did you have a good year?"

The simple and polite reply: "Yes."

My honest opinion? It was good. It wasn't awesome, and nothing I could have changed would have made it better. A little depressing, I know, but I realized something. I tried so hard to get through this year all by myself. I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I wanted independence. Not just from my parents or home, but from God. I thought, "You know God, you've done great so far, but I think I can handle it from here." Ok, I didn't actually think that, but my actions towards my spiritual life certainly showed it.

I never thought that it was possible to become complacent in your relationship with God once you had truly committed to Him. I never thought I'd even be capable of not wanting more of Him, much less fall away from Him. I didn't even notice until I took a step back and examined my relationship with Him. We had such a good relationship. I don't remember letting it fall apart.

I hate the idea of starting over, but maybe it's what I need. I need to re-enter my relationship with God. A fresh start.