Who Am I That You Are Mindful Of Me?

As I said before, life is beautiful right now, but God took it to a new level tonight. I won't go into too much detail, but I have to write something. I never think moments like this are on accident. Myself and my friends talk often. We spend the evenings with each other and chat; it's just part of our routine. Tonight, though, God led us into a deeper understanding of each other. It was incredible.

In college, you meet people from so many places. Some people you may have gone to highschool with. Some people live locally. Some people live across the country. Some people have lived 10 minutes from your house and you never knew until you met in a completely different place. You meet and develop friendships with people from everywhere, with different upbringing, different quirks, different struggles. Coming to college can be a bit overwhelming. Sometimes you feel alone despite all the life going on around you, but I think there's a deeper lonliness when you feel isolated in a circle of friends that you just assume won't understand your past. I think everyone has had a battle that they can't even imagine someone else has faced. And that may be true, but what I don't think most of us realize is that despite what our battles are or were, everyone has faced something.

God made us relational, but it's human nature to be selfish. It's not easy to take time, much less go out of your way to consider someone else's situation. But man, I love when God makes nights like these for us to just drop everything and surrender, to take a moment to realize that we're not alone in our struggles. And not just realize that, but to be able to uplift each other, be accountable for each other, and understand each other. God makes the time to think of us, and we do our best (sometimes) to make time to think of Him. We spend time deepening our relationship with God and understanding Him. So shouldn't it be obvious that we should make the time to think of others and deepen our understanding of each other?

Who am I that you are mindful of me
That you hear me, when I call
Is it true that you are thinking of me
How you love me, it's amazing

I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend

God Almighty
Lord of Glory
You have called me friend

Blissfully Content

I hate that I forget about this blog so much. Every so often I stumble upon it and I definitely don't think it's on accident. Aside from my first post, all I ever write about is something I've been conflicted with or something I hope to achieve in the near future with my relationship with God. I forget sometimes to look at other parts of my life and be thankful for them.

I'm 2 weeks into my Junior year. I honestly can say that I can't think of anything being any better for me right now. I'm blissfully content. Sure, having a job would be a perk. Being in a relationship would be neat, but man, I haven't been this happy in a long time. God and I are great. I love my classes and am doing well in them so far. Friendships are beyond wonderful. Things just feel different, fresh, new, exciting.

I led a Bible study for the Junior High girls at my church this past Wednesday night and we talked about feelings. Simple I know, but it really stuck with me. We talked about how all feelings are good feelings, because they're gifts from God. It's how we react to our feelings that determine whether they are positive or negative. We talked a lot about how to react if we're upset or angry, but I really wish I had made more of an effort focusing on what to do with happy or thankful emotions. When we're upset our reactions can sometimes just explode out of us, so of course there's a need to learn how to control that and react to those situations with calm and clarity. But I find happy, especially thankful, emotions harder to display. When we're excited, yeah it shows, but what about happiness, thankfulness, contentment? I feel like sometimes I choke on it. Just before I do something to express my thanks to someone or tell them that I'm genuinely doing well, I stop.

After going through some emotional times in middle school and highschool I came to realize that a lot of what I was upset about wasn't the situations themselves, but how I looked at them. I realized through God that it wasn't the things in my life I needed to change, but how I looked at them and how I reacted. I learned to be optimistic about things, even grateful. And if there was something that did really need changing, then I would change it. I think I've forgotten how to look at life like that. My mom calls me Eeyore, because I'm so melancholy sometimes. I've learned how to react appropriately to my negative emotions, but I'm still struggling with how to react to the positive ones.

Ok, I just realized I'm talking about exactly what I didn't plan on talking about, but whatever. :-)

All this to say, things are fantastic right now. It's times in my life like these that I have to store in my mind and remember for when things aren't as bright. That's what keeps me going; remembering that moments like these will happen again. I want to not only cherish them, but take the time to remember who they come from and give thanks where thanks is due. So, I guess to put it simply, thanks God.


P.S. I just looked up the official definition for "bliss" and it says "a state of spiritual joy or perfect happiness." Isn't God just awesome?!

There's Beauty in the Chaos

I've been so stressed out lately. It's that time in the semester that things build up and my plans go haywire and I think to myself, "My word! What have I been doing?"

Chaos seems to follow me. Homework builds up, friendships get bumpy, and somehow my relationship with God is like a balancing act on top of everything else.

I was so upset today that my plans to go to the park got ruined. So much so that I thought, "Fine, screw it, I'll make my own plans." I went to a grassy place on campus, knowing I'd be in full view of the people who ruined my plans, just to spite them. After I settled into the grass and took a moment just to listen (to the breeze, the music in the building behind me, the train on the edge of campus, the construction across the way, the planes flying above me, the people passing by), I realized how heavy my heart was about such a silly situation. After a while I wasn't even bothered by a couple of guys coming out to play Frisbee (it was actually pretty entertaining) or the man walking his dog so close to me that it came up and licked my face. The whole time, I was very aware of all the things going on around me, yet I was just barely able to focus on my book. At the very moment it became almost too much to bear and my stress began to build again, I heard a dove. I was overwhelmed with peace. I began to silently cry right there. And just as simply and discretely as the dove had come, it was gone. But that's all I needed. God just wanted to simply and discretely remind me that He was there. In all the chaos that goes on around me it's amazing that God's still able to reveal Himself and remind me that I'm not alone.

Those Yearbooks in the Attic

Over this past year a LOT of things have changed. God's redirected my call and my career path, which I'm so excited about, but despite all the new things happening I still feel myself yearning for something new and exciting. I usually get a haircut or dye it or rearrange my room when I start feeling anxious like this, but there's only so much I can do. I really don't know what I'm anxious for. I keep wanting something, but what?

I've realized I've been look through old yearbooks from high school and middle school and wishing I could redo those friendships. If only I were who I am now then. Now sure people would say, "Then you wouldn't be who you are today. Those parts of your life make you who you are." Yeah, sure I get that, but what kind of deepened friendships could I have now if things had happened differently then?

I think I also wonder that about my relationship with God. I like to think that my relationship was better than most at that age, but what would our relationship look like now if I had developed better habits and spent more time with Him then?

God and I have sort of lost touch in some ways. I'm not growing deeper with Him. I keep seeing other people thirsty for growth around me and I have this overwhelming desire to help them, but what I think I'm discovering is that rather than helping them, I'm also overwhelmed with the desire to grow with them. I'm so thirsty for the same knowledge and growth that I cling to where ever I can find a glimpse of it.

I wish there was a way to look through a yearbook of your relationship with God. I just think it would be neat to look back at all that has happened and really be able to remember and cherish the memories. Wouldn't it be neat to see God's note in the cover. To not only see the highlights and big moments of the year, but the little details and activities you did together as well. Even if you forget some of the things that happened years ago and you just stored those memories in a box in the attic. You go up for Spring cleaning and blow the dust off and are able to reminisce with Him. You can see your good years and your bad. You can look back and say, "Oh, we should do that again. That was fun."

Well, I think it's time for some Spring cleaning with my relationship with God. To blow the dust off those forgotten memories and really take the time to remember the good and the bad. I want to rekindle my relationship with God. I want to spark that fire in my heart again and create more exciting memories with Him to put in the yearbook.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

I took an unexpected trip to Maryland a little over a week ago to attend my great-grandmother's funeral. Then yesterday I found out that a close friend of mine that had been stuggling with injuries from a car accident lost her battle. I was sad, yes, but even more so I was filled with regret. I wish I had had one more conversation with my Nana. I wish I had had one more laughter-filled car ride with Amanda.

But all this made me realize something. I don't want to look back on my relationships with people and have regrets or wishes. It's painfully obvious to me now that life is far too short to not cherish every little opportunity you have, and not only to cherish, but to give thanks where thanks is deserved. I pray now that God blesses me with an awareness of those small moments, and to remind me that they're from Him and Him alone.




Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise

A fresh start.

So, I realized tonight that I still had this blog. I think I may make a new attempt at writing things every so often. Tonight just seems like the perfect night to do it.

I finished my first year of college today. People have asked me constantly,

"Are you glad to be done?"

"Did you have a good year?"

The simple and polite reply: "Yes."

My honest opinion? It was good. It wasn't awesome, and nothing I could have changed would have made it better. A little depressing, I know, but I realized something. I tried so hard to get through this year all by myself. I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I wanted independence. Not just from my parents or home, but from God. I thought, "You know God, you've done great so far, but I think I can handle it from here." Ok, I didn't actually think that, but my actions towards my spiritual life certainly showed it.

I never thought that it was possible to become complacent in your relationship with God once you had truly committed to Him. I never thought I'd even be capable of not wanting more of Him, much less fall away from Him. I didn't even notice until I took a step back and examined my relationship with Him. We had such a good relationship. I don't remember letting it fall apart.

I hate the idea of starting over, but maybe it's what I need. I need to re-enter my relationship with God. A fresh start.

Guatemala

When I found out about this trip last year I was having major control issues with God. It was so hard to not know where my life was headed and not know how to figure out the next step in my life. How was I supposed to go to college without knowing at least a little bit of what God's plans were. I felt like I was missing something.

Then when I heard about this trip I thought, "Oh, that would be neat, but it would never work out. I'll apply for it, but I doubt I'll get accepted to go." But God opened the door and a few days later I got the letter saying I was apart of the team. I was thrilled. I didn't quite know what it all meant yet, but I was excited.

I again got discouraged when I realized how much money it would cost to go. I didn't have a job. I wasn't good at fundraising. Even if I was, how in the world would I get that much money in just a couple months? I thought that maybe this really wasn't something I was meant to do. But once again God provided. In just a few months people generously gave their prayers and financial support to something neither they or I could see yet. I was absolutely baffled.

We were ready to go. Everything was set and it was only a couple weeks until the trip. I was scared out of my mind! I was right back where I started with the control thing. I knew that God had provided for me with this trip, but I couldn't handle not knowing what was going to happen when we got there. All the information I got about the trip somehow made me even more nervous. I prayed to God that it would all work out, but I still wouldn't fully let go of it.

We got to the airport bright and early Tuesday morning. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I kept reminding myself of all the times God had provided over the past year, but my stomach was still twisted. I said goodbye to my parents and got on the plane. The second the plane left the ground I was overwhelmed with peace. I still had the same knowledge I had weeks before and yet none of it mattered now. This week was going to be amazing and God-filled.

The week was more incredible than I could have ever imagined! Never was there a time that I was worried, nervous, or unsure. God was so evident that week. I look back at all I had gone through with Him in the past year and can't even fathom why I doubted Him or any of this in the first place. I was meant to be there that week. We all were. God had such amazing plans for us. I know we helped the people we met that week, but they and God did so much more to us. I will never be the same after this experience, because it wasn't just the week that impacted me. It was getting there, being there, and being able to tell people how God worked in my life.

God answered a lot of my questions that week. I do have a calling to be a missionary. Where and how I still don't know, but I'm finally ok with that. :-)